Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Where do A$%hold Children Come From?

So, I should start by explaining that I ride public transit.  A lot.  In fact, in the past five years, if you consider the work year to be 52 weeks and of those weeks, you work 48 of them (allotting for sick, vacation and holidays) and factor in a commute coming and going, multiply that by three modes of transport (bus to trolley to the El and back again), I've taken well over 6000 SEPTA vehicles (Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority) since 2007.

Now, out of all those modes (bus, trolley, El) I have to say that the bus, is by far, my least favorite aspect of my daily commute.  Door to door, it takes about an hour, and the bus is where the majority of my blood pressure raising interactions come into play.

On the bus, you will witness the very milk of human kindness right up against profanity so lewd and lascivious you wonder if the wolves didn't in fact give up on the individual as a child and leave him or her to fend for his or herself.

The woman next to me today was screaming at someone on the phone on the crowded bus on the way into work.  This is prior to 8AM on a Wednesday.  Nobody should be that angry so early in the morning.  I was listening to a morning show on the radio of my iPod (yes, I could hear her through my earbuds and she was not sitting close to me) so I turned up the volume to drown her out.

There is a particularly annoying commercial on right now from esurance (so the ad must be working, because it stuck in my head) and in it, this guy:

This is possibly the worst still of John Krasinsky on the interwebs.

asks the following question and answers himself immediately
  • Where do penguins come from?
  • Ding! Other penguins
And it got me thinking...this horrible human being most likely came from... guessed it.  Other horrible human beings.

Which got me thinking about elementary school.  Obviously.

This is my memory of riding the school bus as a child:

Le Awesomely Drawn School Bus

In theory, the seat directly behind the school bus driver should be safe.  However, on a number of buses I rode as a child, Satan himself was called to the front of the bus.  The driver, thinking his job done would thusly ignore Satan, assuming his action of telling Satan to "Get up front" would put an end to his (or her...wouldn't want to be sexist on this one.  I assume your personal Satan could have been a girl) reign of terror. 

Sadly, Satan had a way of terrorizing in subtle ways to the poor saps in the next few rows.  And as long as Satan was quiet, the bus driver would think all was well.

The back of the bus (from whence Satan originated) was a virtual hell hole on wheels.  The only lucky sap on the whole freaken bus was the kid in the middle.  With enough human buffer, he or she was generally too far away from the extremes of the bus to be worth the effort.

I assume that most of the devil-spawn I now encounter on SEPTA originated from the procreators on the extremes of the bus.  However, that begs the question as to why a diagram of a SEPTA bus looks like this:
Le Awesomely Drawn SEPTA Bus
 On the SEPTA bus, no man, woman or child is safe.  A%$holes are abundant and prolific.  Are the rest of us just not having as many kids?  How is this happening?  

I remember 9th grade biology (thank you Mr. Fetterman) and according to Darwin and the Origin of the Species, only the strong survive.

So who is procreating with the hellspawn at the extremes of the bus?

If you, or someone you know, is in love with a hellspawn and considering having babies, consider this:

Basic math people
Friends don't let friends produce hellspawn.

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